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Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
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11:15 pm
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Ever make a choice you instantly regret? I seem to be making a lot of them lately. My latest one is turning down a new job offer because my mother wasn't comfortable with the organization I would be working for and the resulting revelations about my life were a bit much for our family to handle at this point in time. There's not a day that I don't regret that decision.
I realize that my life has been centered around choices made for the benefit of other people, and though I probably should stop that, I just can't seem to take control.
So what are the possibilities for this retreat? I think it comes down to my fundamental belief that I fear taking full responsibility for the actions in my life. If I make a decision based on another's input, I always have the option of blaming them for any difficulties that I might encounter. Isn't that a pathetic truth in my life? More than anything, that makes me angry with myself, at my lack of courage and lack of responsibility.
I know I need to move on with my life, to believe that I have the capability to achieve great things. Still, that inner demon that screams that "reality" will reveal my faults, failures and bring about my inevitable defeat is almost impossible to conquer. It's nice to hear that other people believe in your abilities, but how do you convince yourself that you aren't a fake?
current mood:  discontent
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| Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
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11:55 pm
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I should write something...but fatigue has set in. My latest query centers around the notion of strength. Does it take more strength to acknowledge one's greatest weakness? Of is the stronger individual the one that strives to conquer that weakness, and can do it independently? Deep down, I probably know the answer, I know what I would recommend to another person, but for myself, the answer is not so clear.
Yes, depression has returned....it must be winter again.
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| Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
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3:55 pm
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Happy Holidays!
So Christmas is finally here again. I'm back at home in Utah, and I have to say, things feel weird this time around. Can't quite place my finger on it, but I feels both familiar and foreign. I guess it has been 9 months since I've been here, and even in that short period of time things have changed dramatically.
We'll leave this a light message. Just concentrate on the thrill of the season, the pleasure of snow and twinkling of Christmas lights. I do love this time of year!
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| Monday, July 15th, 2002
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10:31 pm
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For lack of a better term, I'm having a crisis of faith. More than just a newfound confusion about religion, but of faith in myself and in this world. Can I manipulate my emotions to align with my logic? Is there really any way for me to be completely happy here on this earth. Maybe that's the point of longing, to provide a reason to believe that something better must exist, that someplace where heart and mind conincide, and all happiness can be fulfilled. Yes, I speak in vague terms, of happiness, and if extrapolated correctly, of love. However, I'm not in love, and perhaps will never hope to be. Perhaps that is my burden to bare, to know of love, but to never have it. Not to be overly dramatic here, but for those who know where I am, it is a completely plausible possibility.
I know I am blessed. I have a job, and incredibly loving family, a home, and friends. I want for little, and I am faced with few apparent obstacles. However, I am stuck, in a position of instability, neither fully convinced of my impropriety or fully convinced of my innocence. And because of this, I write, for no one to read.
I wish it would make sense, that everything would fall into place. The naysayers will say "that is too easy, you'll never appreciate anything that way," but I am tired of fighting. I'm not even sure who's side I'm on. I just want to be able to meet that one person who will see me, hold me close, and say "it's okay, just let this all go."
I guess I've rambled enough for now. To those I hurt in the expedition of discovery, accept my apologies, right now, that's all I can give.
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| Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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2:26 am
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So we begin a new semester. Can't say I achieved the clarity I had hope for during my break at home, but it was a good break nonetheless. The most tramatic news of late is that my uncle's fiancee stepped out on him. He seemed so in love, and it was so nice to believe in that. I'm not saying that I don't believe in love, in fact, I may be the biggest romantic out there, but one has to wonder, have we created a society where true love, sacrifice, and work has become meaningless. I don't believe that all relationships can be saved, or that one should never leave a relationship, however, I'm realistic enough to know that love, lifetime companionship is never going to be 100% challenge free. It is only through the bad times, that we can fully understand and appreciate the good. Honesty, compassion, and trust are the greatest gifts that one can impart on a companion, but the fear of exposing oneself to the cruelties which exist in this world is understandable. I'm not sure I have a position, or that I even have a plan of action, but I need to believe that one day, love, in its truest form, full of its iniquities and its blessings, will be apart of my life. I have to believe that when I find love, that it's power will support me and my love through disagreements, helping us to realize the greater picture, building our strength on foundation which thrives on cooperation, laughter, and commitment.
current mood: wistful
current music: Superman: Five For Fighting
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| Monday, November 26th, 2001
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12:41 am
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Okay, so now i'm writing just to procrastinate. The semester is nearing an end, and I'm really at a loss of what to do with myself. I should be able to accomplish more, yet I'm left feeling like I've accomplished nothing. Sigh, what can you do? I should have a better attitude, at a time of celebrating thanks, I should be in such a different place than I am right now. But there are things more practicle to do, too many things weighing me down. So we journey into another day and hope for the best, expecting the worst, knowing that tomorrow will be long and tedious. (Well aren't I awfully dramatic)
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| Tuesday, October 30th, 2001
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2:20 am
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So, i've never really been good at these journal things. It's been awhile, and I can't say that much has happened. Actually, I guess a lot has happened but i just don't have the time to write it all down.... i really should be better about this stuff. Anyways, my current concern is this: I've spent $130,000 on an education, but I feel like a failure. In so many ways, it comes down to the single notion that I have spent so much for an education and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Am I more educated? Yes. Am I more aware? Yes. But that has been at the expense of my drive and my optimism. As much as I have failed myself, I feel that the realities of the world i have discovered should have been left as myths, for then I would have been rewarded not with ignorance, but with peace. I miss that peace. So now we forge ahead, hoping that at some point, these things will pass and I will find direction. now to bed!
current mood:  blah
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| Sunday, September 23rd, 2001
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2:34 am
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So today was, well interesting. It included a trip to Cactus Cantina, with 4 pitchers of Margaritas, then coming back to my apartment filled with 180 cans of cheap beer. Best of all, I don't even drink. It's wierd. One year ago, this was fun, even though I didn't drink, but now, I just find myself somewhat annoyed. Don't get me wrong, I understand, this is part of the culture of college, but part of me just wants to move on. I mean, I've always preferred things more intimate, but at least I used to be able to function in party envrionment before. Now I just want out. Plus I hate the smell of drying beer.
When it comes down to it, I guess I'm just dealing with a lot of random emotions right now. Self image, self worth, relationships, the lack there of, and of course, the inability to do school work and the stress of future all weigh at me. I just want some peace. Peace with myself, my emotions, and with those around me. Maybe it's too much to ask, I just wish it weren't so.
When I started this adventure to college, I think one would have described me as a happy, friendly, warm person with a ready smile. I don't think that's how I'd be describe today. It hurts to be aware that part of you has been extinguished. How? How did I let it come to this point? I swore I'd never let it happen, and now I just wish I could go back.
Speaking of back, it's back to work.
current mood: disappointed
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2001
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2:23 pm
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Well, so begins the jounal. I decided to do this the night of the terrorist attack, more for something to do, rather than as an outlet, but I'm sure that this'll become an outlet shortly. I just ask one thing, the question of a lifetime : Why? Isn't it strange that that one word can summarize so much of the heartache of the world? So I'll just ask why, and hope one day the questions will be answered
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sheeshone's journal